my heart aches so much not because of what you do not because of your love for all the female form…. not because you seem aloof not because of your friends… my heart aches so much because you smile because your eyes twinkle when i walk in because you talk to me with your mind […]
I am God’s Child. All that comes through me into this world that is good, is God working through me. I am by no means a saint. Infact, those few that know me well know how far from sainthood I stand. But each day I try. I try to be good, and let God work through me. Some days I fail miserably. Sometimes I hate people, but only sometimes. I used to wonder why people were so mean, rude, hateful and angry. Then I read that our outer world is a mere reflection of our inner world. The thoughts we repeat give way to a particular vibration. That vibration is what determines what we see in our everyday surroundings.
This idea seemed both deep and ridiculous at the same time. The paradox. That’s when I began my journey. Looking for answers I had to walk through some fears. In doping so I was deeply rewarded. It felt so good. For the first I saw mostly good in people. For the first time I liked being. I wanted to stay. Then the fear crept in…slowly, almost unnoticeable. It kept growing. As it grew, I found more evidence in my surrounds to validate what I was thinking. That moment, that short blip in time that was good disappeared. The good was gone. However, my life did not revert back to quasi norm it had been before the good. Instead it sank into the largest abyss I had seen since I was a child. I am not out yet, but I try.